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Your local church has many programs that will enrich your life and make others miserable.

HOW TO TURN NEGATIVE ATTITUDES TO POSITIVE: 7-9 pm, church basement. Minister Andrew Canard teaches Christ-centered affirmations. Examples include Jesus made me white, and I’m sooo blessed and I’m not racist, but

ALT-RIGHT STORYTIME: 10-11 am, church sanctuary. Assistant Minister Jack Myer preaches and teaches valuable lessons to the kids with great Bible stories. Make sure your kids know the real message behind the parable of the Good Samaritan.

FARM SPROUTS: 10:30 – 11:30 am, community garden. Help build a healthy foundation for our faith-based community while throwing vegetables at women going to the nearby Planned Parenthood clinic. Jesus gave you that green thumb, now put your whole body into throwing vegetables to preserve innocent babies.

CHURCH FOOD PANTRY EXPANDED HOURS: The church food pantry will be open from 1-6 pm instead of 5 pm. Make sure you bring your tip sheet on how to identify illegal aliens and have ICE on speed dial.

GOLDEN CALF BBQ: Join us for our third annual Donald Trump Fundraiser BBQ. For a measly $19.95 seed donation you can chow down on some wholesome BBQ while helping President Trump spread his Racist Red Scare.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...