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The Roman Catholic Church announced yesterday that the organization will change its name to Candle as part of a major rebranding. The head of the Vatican’s marketing team, Cardinal Lampeter, delivered the news.

“Polling indicated that people mostly know us as a global network of pedophile-enablers,” said Lampeter. “Unfortunately, it’s hard to move forward when all you hear is pedophile, pedophile, pedophile.” 

The new logo uses a calming blue with a striking red, yellow and orange candle in the center. There is a set of keys in the middle to act as a connection to the past. 

“We spent a lot of money on media consultants,” said Lampeter. “It’s important that none of this can be repurposed by pedophiles. We just have to ride out a few days of Twitter memes and we should be golden.”

Prospective titles for the sitcom include “Pope Show” and “Curb Your Ecumenism”.

Nevertheless, critics argue that the name change does nothing to address the many ethical and legal issues facing the organization while spending huge amounts of money making unnecessary changes that no one asked for.

“People only want to hear about the darkness and misery and not about the things we get right,” said Lampeter. “We’re hoping this results in a new era for Candle going forward.”

Netflix and shill

As part of the rebrand, Netflix will launch a 10-episode multi-camera sitcom this summer. The online streaming network won the broadcasting rights in a hotly-contested bidding war.

“It’s going to look a little different than what Candle fans might expect,” said Cardinal Lampeter. “It will be lighter in tone with less emphasis on arc storylines.”

Prospective titles for the sitcom include “Pope Show” and “Curb Your Ecumenism”. The teaser trailer on YouTube has already racked up 650 million views. That’s one view for every two Roman Catholics in the world.  

“This news somehow surprises and jades me,” said atheist activist Sam Harris. “It’s yet another cynical cash grab by an organization desperate to seem relevant.” 

“We already have plans if Netflix renews us,” said Lampeter. “Season two of Candle will be off the chain.”

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Barry Purcell lives in Ireland and writes about religion, philosophy, psychology, politics and language for a variety of paper and online publications. He has been involved in campaigns to counteract the...