Heavenly Upgrade: God Goes Green | image of a CFL bulb against a black background
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After several years of campaigning from environmental groups, God has finally agreed to upgrade all heaven’s light sources to compact fluorescent lamp (CFL) energy-saving bulbs.

“This has been coming for a long, long time,” said Tony Green, co-author of How Many Gods Does It Take? and the chairman of Too Much Heaven, a loose organization of environmental groups set up to put pressure on God. “We’re happy he’s finally seen the light, as it were.”

Reports have been circulating for years that God was interested in scaling back the pomp and grandeur of Heaven. The feeling in the sky is that there are more eco-friendly ways to inspire awe. Last year, God set up a committee to look into applications of information technology. The committee will publish their findings in 2145.

“Heaven is traditionally one of the most well-lit places humans can imagine,” said Spaniel, the angel in charge of maintenance and upgrading celestial equipment. “We call it the Palace of Light. Think of a high-street fashion store but with the contrast turned way up.”

“We’re happy he’s finally seen the light.”

Estimates vary on exactly how much good it will do. It might be too late to have a lasting impact. However, the cash savings are easier to calculate.

“The sun sends 126 trillion horsepower to Earth alone,” explains Isabelle Bright, an energy consultant working with Too Much Heaven. “We can only imagine the savings a conversion to CFLs will yield. God will certainly be able to afford a rock so heavy that He can’t lift it.”

The latest rumors indicate that Heaven is considering installing solar panels. God has, as ever, refused to comment directly on this, or any other issue.

“Our initial approach was to organize huge prayer drives,” says Green. “However, they had no effect at all.”

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Barry Purcell lives in Ireland and writes about religion, philosophy, psychology, politics and language for a variety of paper and online publications. He has been involved in campaigns to counteract the...