Reading Time: < 1 minute

International press agencies are reporting that, due to a tragic case of mistaken identity, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was shot dead in the West Bank on Friday. 

“The IDF regrets shooting Jesus,” said an Israeli army spokesman. “In our defence, the dove he was holding looked just like a grenade from 500 yards away. Also, he was dressed like an Arab.”

The Second Coming had appeared in Ramallah before thousands of Palestinians who were part of a protest over the attacks on the Al-Aqsa Mosque this week by Israeli troops. No one knows if Jesus shared the views of the protesters or happened to get caught up in the clashes.

“We were understandably skeptical when we heard the news,” said Cardinal Luigi Aserolinini. He leads the Vatican Miracle Verification Committee. “However, we sent a team out there and did a DNA test. I can confirm that the body definitely, without a doubt, belongs to the Jesus Christ we all know and love.”  

After international pressure (a ten-second phone call from Joe Biden), the IDF agreed to a six-hour hiatus in attacking unarmed civilians to allow Christians take away the remains.

“The real question is where we go from here,” said Aserolinini. “We have a round-the-clock armed team guarding the morgue. But who knows what we can expect on Sunday morning?”

Avatar photo

Barry Purcell lives in Ireland and writes about religion, philosophy, psychology, politics and language for a variety of paper and online publications. He has been involved in campaigns to counteract the...