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In an unusual move, congressional Republicans are pushing through a bill to allow states to repeal the law of gravity.

“Apparently some of us are still engaging in Civil War politics,” complained a Democratic representative who asked not to be named. “I don’t know if I want to live in an America where the law of gravity is different depending on which state you’re in. Are we going to have weigh-ins across state lines? The idea is ludicrous!”

Americans pride themselves on having constitutional protections in place for the inherent properties of matter. Other constitutions don’t even mention gravity. However, a strong opposition movement to the federal regulations has been building centered around traditional Southern states and Iowa.

“The people of Tennessee elected me to represent their interests,” said Dan Warlock, the Republican senator leading the loosely-arranged Apple Party movement. “What people are telling me on the ground is that everything is far too heavy. I don’t see why we should be subject to the tyranny of the Washington elites. However, we can return it to the people at almost no cost to the taxpayer. The lighter Northern states won’t even notice.”

“What people are telling me on the ground is that everything is far too heavy.”

Senator Dan Warlock

The official response of the administration has been characteristically sanguine. However, some regard the president’s recent stumble over a brick as a sarcastic comment on the bill.

“We’ve already invested too much government time and energy into keeping gravity federally consistent,” explained White House spokesperson, Karine Jean-Pierre. “Federally-mandated gravity has kept our things on the ground with admirable efficiency. It makes no sense to throw them all up in the air until we can reassemble them to the liking of Senator Warlock.”

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Barry Purcell lives in Ireland and writes about religion, philosophy, psychology, politics and language for a variety of paper and online publications. He has been involved in campaigns to counteract the...