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The United States Bureau of Statistics has revealed what a map of America would look like right now if each state had a 50% chance of being red or blue.

“The future is hard to predict,” said Liam Smalls, a spokesman for the Bureau. “However, we can be utterly certain about which side of the coin a particular state landed on in this particular case.”

The methodology was simple. The colors red and blue were assigned respectively to the head and tail faces of a fair coin. The coin was tossed for each state individually and in alphabetical order.

 “Well, these bits are blue, whereas these other bits are red.”

“Our biggest concern was the coin,” reveals Smalls. “We went to, some would say, ridiculous lengths to make sure it was completely fair. We even weighed the paint.”

Red has traditionally been associated with love and passion while blue has been associated with sadness. It is not known whether these associations had any role to play in the selection of the colors.

When asked what the map could reveal, or what the point of this work was, a confused Mr. Smalls answered, after some thought: “Well, these bits are blue, whereas these other bits are red.”

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Barry Purcell lives in Ireland and writes about religion, philosophy, psychology, politics and language for a variety of paper and online publications. He has been involved in campaigns to counteract the...