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Despite being the only clear Republican candidate for the 2024 presidential election, Donald Trump’s staff say he is becoming restive.

“He’s been looking at the history of the United States for the first time,” said a Mar-a-Lago waiter. “He’s just discovered that the country is 247 years old.”

After stating his official intention to run for president in 2024, Trump spoke about his plans at a Mar-a-Lago celebration party. 

“I just never saw myself with a 247-year-old country,” he said when he found out. “Nothing against old things. Some of my best friends are old. I love them. But I don’t want to be associated with it in public, you know?”

Trump’s presidential bid is unsettling even his own party, not least because his policies are extremely vague. It often appears that he genuinely has no idea what a president does.

“For Donald, it’s always been the thrill of the chase,” said another waiter. “He’s already had this country. He’ll lose interest and wander off. You’ll see.”

A better America

As the party wound down, Trump shouted at a labrador he apparently confused for Brian Kilmeade.

“This country is kind of chunky around the middle,” he said, pointing at an electoral college map on the wall. “We could tighten that Bible Belt a notch or two! You know it. I know it. This country is too wide. Can we lose the blue bits sticking out around the coast? No one will miss them.”

Aides and security personnel furtively tried to steer him away from anyone who might be listening, with little success.

“What’s this one?” asked Trump, pointing at a map of the world beside the electoral college map. “Chile? Let’s see here. Wikipedia says it’s only 206 years old. And it’s so thin! Look at it. I bet it’s hotter too. Stupid name for a hot country. Doesn’t matter. It’s thinner and younger. It’s so much hotter. I want to be president of that one.”

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Barry Purcell lives in Ireland and writes about religion, philosophy, psychology, politics and language for a variety of paper and online publications. He has been involved in campaigns to counteract the...