Hi and welcome back! Someone recently noted that it’s been a while since our last Semi-Drunk Movie Review, and gosh darn it, they were right. It has. So let’s fix that! A commenter discovered a gem on Amazon that has demanded our attention: a movie called The VelociPastor. The moment I checked it out, it reminded me so powerfully of that delightful indie movie Dark Dungeons that I all but had flashbacks. Here, we’ll apparently discover missionary priests turning into dinosaurs, fighting crime, and befriending sympathetic sex workers. Also, China’s involved. Today, let’s watch this thing together.
And here is the URL for the movie 🙂 It’s free on Amazon Prime.
The Trailer.
Oh my goodness. Who couldn’t love this trailer?
Probably safe for work but there are people in their undies wandering around in this, so if your workplace isn’t very generous then tread carefully.
The super-thick Kiwi accent absolutely sells this trailer. “Weeith eh dahk pest.” I just can’t feel frightened when people talk in that accent. It’s like when you listen to Ray Comfort doing his best to sell his deep and abiding terror of death, and he’s trying his best, bless his sweet little cotton socks, and yet all you can hear is the used-car-salesman lurking behind his larynx.
I am now completely convinced that VelociPastor happened because someone mispronounced “velociraptor” in front of exactly the correct inebriated moviemaking person.
The Cast and Whatnot.
Amazingly, the cast all seem to be pretty professional people. The male and female stars, Greg Cohan and Alyssa Kempinski, have been in all kinds of stuff before this. I’ve never seen them before, but I respect that this ain’t their first time at this rodeo. Considering the lackluster performances and lack of experience we see in the fundagelical efforts we tend to review around here, that’s such a breath of fresh air I’m getting light-headed. Or maybe it’s the beer.
I’ve never heard of the director, Brendan Steere, either, but apparently this was originally a 2011 film school project that went viral unexpectedly.
Also, the singer/animator/comic book artist/overall amazing Renaissance man Voltaire performs in this movie. You know, just in case we haven’t yet exploded from awesomeness.
A reference. Probably one of Voltaire’s all-time most popular songs.
This movie just showed up on Amazon not too long ago. It must have. I’m absolutely positive I’d have heard of it if it’d shown up earlier. However, it has a 2019 release date on its Amazon page. And its IMDB page says it was released in 2018. The trailer has a caption toward the end with the Roman numeral date of 2017. So who knows?
Having now seen the trailer, I’m prepared to forgive pretty much anything at this point.
On second thought, scratch the “pretty much.”
The Hooch.
I just ordered a boatload of Chinese food and I’ve just cracked open a beer I’ve never had before: Sam Adams’ Kosmic Sour. I think I’ve had this case for a couple months, but I’m not much of a drinker. I should have torn into it much earlier!
It’s got a purple label. I thought that meant it’s got fruit in it somewhere, but I was wrong. Apparently, it’s actually made from wild yeasts. That fits very well with my recent sourdough kick, so here we are! And y’all, it is quite tasty. Kinda tart, like fruit, sure, but also a bit sweet. Reminds me of this one Belgian raspberry lambic that I developed a liking for after my deconversion.
I’m just drinking it out of the bottle, cuz I’m classy like that.
However, I’m not what one would call adventurous with my Chinese cuisine. I’m getting beef with broccoli and orange chicken, and of course spring rolls. Hate me if you want. I can’t argue with my taste buds.
My Expectations.
AWAY!
Why We’re Doing This.
I’m not just in this to watch what I’m convinced will be an awesome indie movie.
To me, the premise of VelociPastor hints at a more serious side: someone having a real crisis of faith, seeking out some way to feel relevant and needed, then freaking out because the way that found him doesn’t relate to his profession as a priest (or even really agree with his entire ideology).
I also see this movie as part of our nature as humans — about how willing we are, as a species, to play along with and love sincere silliness. The same parts of our psyches that birthed the popularity of Emperor Norton and Pet Rocks went into creating this movie, and I’m absolutely, positively here for it all.
Play button gets hit at 6pm Pacific Time! Join us in the comments below for fun and merriment! Then, tomorrow, I’ll post the full review.
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PS: I’ve already found and fixed about six zillion typos in this post. I’ll try to catch them all in the review, but if I miss some please forgive me!
PPS: All movie reviews are off-topic wonderlands anyway. What’s your all time favorite indie/bad movie?
Son of Postscript: I moved the movie time back a bit to allow for more people to participate if they want.