Overview:

As a corporation, we've been so excited to celebrate Pride Month that we may have made a few missteps that we'd love to apologize for!

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Dear Valued Customers,

First off we just wanted to say, “our bad!” Our company (which sells so many products!) has been trying to celebrate Pride Month and the results have been mixed, to say the least! We’re just so bursting with Pride that the LGBTQ community has finally been accepted into the mainstream that we had to talk about it.

So here are just a couple of things we would like to apologize for.

We want to apologize for saying that our Spicy Chili Chips were “hotter than a sweaty weekend on Fire Island”. This was in no way a value judgment on whatever it is that goes on there, it was merely an indicator of just how much spicy goodness we’ve packed into every bite! The multiple squirt emojis that we included after the tweet were also in poor taste.

We’d also like to take this time to say that the commercial for our brand of toothpaste was inaccurate. It is incorrect to say that the teeth whitening power of our fluoride toothpaste (now on sale at all major retailers) would give our consumers the confidence to come out of the closet. We also apologize for claiming the minty fresh breath it will give you can make that conversation with your parents go smoothly. This is an erroneous statement that has since been disproven by the American Dental Association.

It was also wrong of us to say that if Freddie Mercury drank our Detox teas, he would be alive today. We have been told that, from a legal standpoint, this is medically “untrue.” We will also be rebranding our “I Want to Break-Tea” English Breakfast tea to something more appropriate. Based on our Twitter poll, the names “Harvey MilkTea” and “Stop Appropriating Gay Culture” appear to be the most popular.

Finally, we’d love to remind our consumers that Pride Month is very important to us now. We only wish we’d figured out that The Gays had this much spending power before!

Pausing for a second, we’d also like to apologize for what we just said! “The Gays” is an offensive term that sounds very demeaning. Once again, our bad!

Some of you on social media have asked that we also apologize for supporting LGBTQ causes online while actively donating to anti-LGBTQ causes. For a number of business and political reasons, we cannot apologize for that at this time. However, if you enter the promo code YAAAAAASSSSSSS at checkout for any of our products, you’ll receive a 10% discount!

We really hope that the spontaneous sincerity of our message has come across. We love and value the members of our LGBTQ community, and from here on out, we vow to do better.

Now to shift gears and apologize for some of the ways we’ve celebrated Juneteenth!

Casey Karaman is a writer, performer, improviser, and teacher who has worked with the Washington Improv Theater. He has performed in multiple theater productions, most recently in Second City's production...