An abortion guide for women who’ve slept with a Republican politician

Congratulations! You’ve just slept with a Republican politician.

In the afterglow of such an auspicious event, something unexpected may have happened. You’re now pregnant.

Uh oh!

A lot of thoughts may be running through your head at this time, such as, “Should I keep the baby?”

Listen. Are you listening? Look at me.

We strongly “recommend,” for the sacred privacy of our politicians and their families, and to ensure nothing awkward comes up during midterm elections, that you terminate the pregnancy.

Now, we know what you’re thinking: We say we believe in the right to life for all unborn children even at the risk of the mother’s life. This is the type of wisdom that falls under “do as we say, not as we do.” Trust us. This is in everyone’s best interest.

You may also be thinking, “Well now that Roe v. Wade has been overturned, can I even get an abortion in my state?” That is just so sweet of you to think. I have excellent news: When a Republican politician sleeps with you, you are instantly transported to a better class than all those non-Republican-politician-sleep-withers who will lose access to any abortion clinics remotely near them.

When you do eventually come to the right decision, you’re gonna want to call Fred. He’s been doing this a long time. He and Ben Carson did karaoke together. He’ll guide you to one of the many options we have in your state. We’ve been taking care of these kinds of “problems” for a while now.

I see you have questions.

Why do you get to have access to abortion when millions of other women won’t?

What about young women who aren’t ready to have a child?

What about women who’ve been raped?

What about women whose pregnancy threatens their life?

What about women who can’t afford to raise a child?

What about women in abusive relationships?

What about women too poor to raise another child?

What about women who will still try to have a back-alley abortion that could end up killing them?

What about women who would have to leave school to raise the child because they’re single mothers?

What about women whose careers would be ruined because of how we’ve set up our capitalist society?

What about women who know their child will be born with an incurable illness?

What about women who believe that bringing another life into a world where born lives are treated worse than unborn lives is unfair?

What about women who believe it’s their right to choose?

Look at all those crooked question marks, each one a winding road to Hell. What we would say is that our thoughts and prayers go out to those women. #solved

They’ve made their choice and now must live with it. If they wanted to spare themselves all this trouble, they could’ve just made the right choice and slept with a Republican politician.