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Dear Senator Cruz,

Recently, you took issue with our young Elmo getting a COVID vaccine shot. Elmo, a 3-1/2-year-old puppet, was demonstrating to scared children out there that the shot was just “a little pinch,” and that they shouldn’t be afraid.

You also took issue with his father Louie saying that it’s okay for parents to have questions about giving their under 5-year-old children a COVID vaccine shot, before we directed parents toward resources that could help answer their questions.

Here at Sesame Street, we pride ourselves on inclusion, diversity, and making sure that the children who watch our show are informed and intelligent. We want to make the world a better and kinder place.

But for your ass, we’re about to make an exception.

Who in the fuck do you think you are? We’re a children’s show, but we’re not babies. You think you could come for one of our kids and not get this smoke?

Keep Elmo’s name out of your goddamn mouth.

You try and pick on one of us, we will come for you. Motherfucker, we have a guy here named Animal. We have a dude that lives in trash. We have a vampire who knows how to count.

Do you really believe they wouldn’t be ready to throw down with you?

Cookie Monster has locked himself in a room with only your poster inside of it. He’s pacing around as we speak trying to get himself amped up for when he comes for your ass. He doesn’t want cookies anymore. He only wants “the egg-shaped one.”

What, you thought you could come for us and we wouldn’t clap back? You thought we’d play nice?

You and your party have been trying to cut off funding to our show since before the Constitutional Originalists were even born. But we know you’re watching. You watched when you were a kid and your kids watched us too.

What else are they gonna watch? Some nonsense like “Bibleman” or “Ronald Reagan’s War On Illiteracy”? Even you aren’t dumb enough to raise your kids on that shit. We’ve got that good good education. So stop pretending like we’re bystanders in your drive-by campaign toward mediocrity.

And to “inform” people, you link them to your reelection website, where you talk about “demanding” answers from the FDA?

We at Sesame Street demand to know why your beard looks like Rafiki’s pubes. We demand to know why you look like you’re constantly covered in ectoplasm.

It’s Sesame Street, but it’s still the streets. We are so much harder than your punk ass could ever imagine. We will be around long after they’ve dumped you out of office and you’re hawking reverse mortgages to the elderly and the infirm.

Mark our words. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but one day, you will get got. You’ll see a yellow feather on the floor of your home and by the time you look up, it’ll all be over.

Until that day, you will put some respect on the names of our kids. Otherwise, we will tell you how to get our foot out of your ass.

Very sincerely,

Sesame Street

Casey Karaman is a writer, performer, improviser, and teacher who has worked with the Washington Improv Theater. He has performed in multiple theater productions, most recently in Second City's production...