Our situation is even more dire than when I sent a similar email yesterday. The Republicans have taken back the House and now have the opportunity to pass restrictive laws that will strip away your freedoms.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“Will $5 really do anything?”
Casey, our coffers are empty. We are penniless, broke, and desperate. We’re living off the generosity of the catering staff at the Capitol Building to sneak us cheese and turkey sandwiches. Don’t even bother looking up our net worths. Just trust us on this.
Despite quickly passing laws that allow us to continue to invest in stocks using insider information, which has made us incredibly wealthy, it’s your money we need. There’s just something about your money that feels better.
We’ve created a grand social experiment in the United States for over 400 years designed to maximize individual freedoms. We’ve become the bastion of Enlightenment ideals and social mobility.
But all of it will be for nothing if we don’t receive a one-time donation of $5 from you.
Look at us, Casey.
We’ve turned out our pockets to you. They’re filled with nothing but lint and SEC slips. Our bottom lips are quivering and our eyes are real big. The fate of western democracy depends on whether or not you click on the button in our email below.
We’re being kept up at night in our tastefully-decorated estates. We wander our spacious grounds racking our brains for solutions to stop the rise of fascism in our country. We ask our round-the-clock chefs to make us a late-night snack to help calm our nerves as we ponder what we can do to stop the fall of our great nation (other than keep asking Krysten Sinema and Joe Manchin to call us back).
We’ve done everything we can.
When Black people in this country were being murdered by the police, we wore kente cloth.
When the banks and institutions stole our country’s wealth and left an entire generation in debt, we handed them more money and said, “That was very naughty what you did, please don’t do it again.”
When Donald Trump packed our courts with conservative judges to steal away our reproductive rights, we called him an orange.
And now, Casey, it’s literally all up to you.
I don’t want to come across as passive-aggressive, but if this country turns into a radical, Christian Supremacy, it will be entirely your fault.
So choose wisely.
If you think $5 is going to be enough, and you choose not to make your donation recurring, you’ve as good as laid democracy down on its knees and shot it in the back of the head, execution-style.
The choice is yours, Casey. You voted to elect us to do a job.
Now do our job.