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In an exclusive for OnlySky, our reporters have managed to obtain details of the notoriously secretive private school, Donda, founded by music mogul Kanye West.

Some of the information summarized below has been shocking to say the least:

  • Every class begins with a Christian prayer. All references to Jesus are replaced by “Yeezus”
  • Civics 101
    • The course begins as a fairly liberal reading of the 20th century that swings wildly into manic conservatism and populism in later chapters
    • Students’ capstone projects require them to work on Kanye’s 2024 presidential run
    • In a shocking twist, the class field trip takes them to the George W. Bush Presidential Library
  • Intro to Science
    • Textbook written hastily in smudged ink refers to the Salk polio vaccine as “the mark of the beast”
    • Every discussion of the human anatomy is interrupted by a screeching voice yelling “ABORTION IS MURDER!” over the school’s loudspeakers
  • Physical Education
    • An elaborate parkour course built on concrete blocks. There are no pads for students to fall on if they miss a jump. The number of injured climbs daily
  • Art
    • A class in which students unleash their raw creativity. Each student confronts their own personality flaws and fears, channeling them into beautiful, thought-provoking work that is both commercially and lyrically satisfying. Students learn to blend marketing and craft to perfection
  • Math
    • Teaches no math
    • Every class, students are bussed to the Kim Kardashian residence to spy on her
    • Most recently, during Kim’s relationship with Pete Davidson, a student earned an A+ in this class by setting a copy of King of Staten Island on fire, leaving it on the house’s stoop, ringing the doorbell, then running away real quick
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Casey Karaman is a writer, performer, improviser, and teacher who has worked with the Washington Improv Theater. He has performed in multiple theater productions, most recently in Second City's production...