Hello. I am the screenwriter of the 1990 action-comedy film Kindergarten Cop.
Kindergarten Cop is ostensibly about a detective who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to track down a dangerous drug dealer.
For many years, the world has seen the film that I wrote as a fun film that showed a global superstar, Arnold Schwarzenegger, in a silly, paternal light. People would compare it to Turner and Hooch and Beverly Hills Cop. Roger Ebert called it “slick entertainment” and “warm-hearted“.
For years I bit my tongue, waiting for the day when the world would see my film for what it was.
Today is that day.
During the nomination process for the Supreme Court, Ketanji Brown Jackson was asked to define what a woman was. She refused. Suddenly, people from around the world began to use the same meme to voice their disgust at this betrayal of basic biology. It was a clip from my film.
At last, my day has come.
Towards the middle of the film, a young boy stands up and states, clearly, that boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina. Audiences laughed at the time, thinking it was a silly, if crude thing for a child to say.
From the moment I wrote Kindergarten Cop, I intended it to be a screed against the ever-growing tide of liberalism in our country. Even in 1990, I could see that the lines between male and female were being ever-more-blurred. My son had brought home a Prince album. The moment I saw the cover—a writhing, feminine figure that stirred unspeakable things inside of me—I kicked my son out of my home, and we have not spoken since.
I knew I had to do something, so I conceived what I believe to be the greatest literary Trojan horse that has ever existed. I wrote all of Kindergarten Cop so that a child could speak the truth that the world was afraid to hear: that gender is defined only by the parts we are born with.
Don’t believe me? Below is a sample from the original draft of the film.
Int. Kindergarten – Day
A YOUNG PATRIOT, 4 (but wiser than his years), stands and delivers the film’s core message.
Young Patriot: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.
The classroom erupts in cheers of agreement.
Smash-cut to a shot of the American flag.
Of course, this is not the scene you see in the final film. The director and the other writers (my name somehow never made it into the final credits of the film) wanted to tone down the rhetoric and make it more “playful.” In the final version, this line is played for laughs. Laughs! It’s like putting a laugh track over Peter Finch’s “I’m mad as hell speech” in Network!
I voiced my anger by doing what any good citizen would do: I called my coworkers globalist, coastal elite cucks who probably listen to rap music.
I was fired from the film that day.
No matter. It’s only taken thirty-plus years, but the true meaning of Kindergarten Cop has come to light. Brave patriots like Dr. Rich McCormick, a medical professional who has shown his bravery by telling people there’s no need to get vaccinated, and Alex Bruesewtiz, who looks like Daddy’s favorite, have finally opened the world’s eyes to the truth.
Kindergarten Cop was never about a muscular undercover detective teaching a kindergarten class and the ensuing hijinks. It was about the strict gender definitions that our society must adhere to.
Authors write themselves into their work. I am that child. We Republicans are that child. And like that child, we will scream, and shout, and shit our pants until everyone knows that boys have a penis, and yes, girls have a vagina.
For there is no more noble thing to do in this life than to insist that the government stay out of our affairs, then demand that you show us your private parts to prove your identity.