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Halloween is fast approaching and we know how stressful it can be to figure out where to trick-or-treat. With so many options, we want to make sure that if you’re visiting a politician’s house for a sugary treat, you know what you’re in for.

Have a spooooky good time!

Kamala Harris

Gives out sugar-free Russell Stover’s chocolates. She will also call the cops on you if she thinks you have too much sugar in your system.

Joe Biden

Gives out psychedelic candies that’ll “really get this party going, brother.”

Kyrsten Sinema

Has a bowl of full-sized candy bars sitting in her front hall, but keeps blocking your way to get to them.

Joe Manchin


Ted Cruz

Complains about how much candy his neighbors are giving out but gives no candy himself.

Marjorie Taylor Greene

Screams at you the moment you step foot on her property while pelting you with Nutter Butters.


Gives organically grown, ethically sourced chocolate that tastes like chalk.

Bernie Sanders

Has you and other trick-or-treaters make your own candy at his house from scratch while he espouses the values of collective action.

Mike Pence

Won’t give candy to trick-or-treaters dressed in remotely-feminine outfits to avoid “temptation”.

Pete Buttigieg

Will see what candy his neighbors have bought and just copy them.

Mitch McConnell

White chocolate only.

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Casey Karaman is a writer, performer, improviser, and teacher who has worked with the Washington Improv Theater. He has performed in multiple theater productions, most recently in Second City's production...