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As another year ends, we all seek to learn from past lessons and apply them to next year. A new goal, a new lesson learned, something to guide us as we continue on our lifelong journey of self-improvement.

Some of the people on this journey may have political opinions slightly different than yours. The far right in this country also wants to learn from lessons past and continue to improve upon themselves.

It’s our pleasure to present you with some conservative politicians’ New Year’s resolutions:

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Ted Cruz:
1. Become a real boy.

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Mitch McConnell:
1. Eat a diet that’s a mixture of leafy greens, vegetables, and fruit.
2. Live in a habitat with consistent humidity levels and a place to go outside and sunbathe.
3. Help my mate lay her eggs near a shoreline so that our offspring can be birthed close to the water.

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Matt Gaetz:
1. Buy cool clothes at a hip new store.
2. Learn modern slang (what is a “vibe”?).
3. Forge documents.
4. Enroll at a local high school.

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Lindsey Graham:
1. Keep it a secret.

Natureofthought CC BY-SA 4.0

Josh Hawley:
1. Remind people that you’re still here! You’re still relevant! Remember! I’m the guy who did the fist pump after January 6th? Remember?!
2. Cultivate the look of a guy who would definitely try to roofie you at a frat party.

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Mike Pence:
1. Continue to call wife “mother”
2. Continue to call mother “mother”
3. Analyze neither of the previous two resolutions.

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Marjorie Taylor Greene:
1. Be humble. It’s not all about you. Just keep your head down, keep working, and good things will come.
2. Build relationships with your coworkers. This is a team effort. If we’re going to go far in this country, we have to do it together.
3. OWN THESE DUMB FUCKING LIBS STUPID CUCKS LOL

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Lauren Boebert:
1. Figure out some way, through either surgery or the magic of Jesus Christ, to transform into a gun.

Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0

Ron DeSantis:
1. Continue to cultivate the aura of “President of the US in a post-apocalyptic film”.
2. Spend taxpayer dollars on fun stunts to stick it to the Dems (trap transgender teens inside Nancy Pelosi’s house? Force Chuck Schumer to carpool with a Syrian immigrant? Make George Clooney cook for a Latino family?)
3. Don’t let anyone find out what you really think “Woke” is. Never let on that you believe that “Woke” is a slavering jawed beast that is hungry for your blood. Keep it a secret that you’ve invested so much in home security and pushed gun legislation because you believe, at every moment, “Woke” is lurking outside your house, waiting to slip inside while you’re asleep and rip out your jugular. Never let them find out, Ron.

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Casey Karaman is a writer, performer, improviser, and teacher who has worked with the Washington Improv Theater. He has performed in multiple theater productions, most recently in Second City's production...