America? We need to talk.

I want to start by saying I will always love you. You’ve been here my whole life.

You gave me MTV. And let’s face it, without Madonna or Tawny Kitaen, I might have ended up a DMV clerk or some other horrendous thing.

We’ve had a lot of good times together. Remember when we thought parachute pants and fluorescent colors were cool?

Me neither.

We’ve eaten too many hot dogs, drank gallon-sized cups of soda, and made ourselves sick on deep-fried Oreos.

Good times.

But, well…things have gotten weird.

The people you’ve been hanging around with recently are frankly, rather unpleasant.

They’re really judgy for one thing. I mean, they seem to be overly obsessed with people’s sex lives for one. And they want to inspect the genitalia of kids playing sports too?

Super creepy, bro.

And some of them are downright nuts, with their talk of Jewish space lasers and microchips.

There was a time when you would say something instead of letting them ramble on about lizard people and gay frogs.

I know it’s a touchy subject, but I think you might have forgotten why you broke up with your ex. They were trying to control you with their weird nonsense as well.

We all know that relationship habits can be hard to break, but your independence wasn’t easy to come by. And well, I’m afraid you’re falling for the same toxic manipulation you worked so hard to get away from.

I mean, lighting off fireworks and blowing things up occasionally is so… you. But the Christmas card we got last year from one of your new friends was a bit much. Those weren’t nerf guns they were holding.

Was their Christmas tree threatening them?

And while we’re on the subject, what the hell are they so afraid of? Rainbows and fake eyelashes?

Books?

And I really didn’t want to bring this up, but your hygiene is becoming a problem. Honestly, I’m afraid in a few years, you’re really going to start to stink. I’m not trying to be mean, but come on. Your new friends have convinced you that being filthy is a good thing. Pretty soon, it’s going to be hard to breathe around you. Not even Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle would cover up the amount of noxious gas your buddies want to release into the air.

I don’t want to give up on us, but this is starting to get complicated. I think a little self-reflection is in order. Remember what your fathers said about not giving in to the cool crowd? They wanted you to think for yourself, and not let a small group of people tell you what you could wear or who you could hang around with.

Do you really think they’d be proud of the direction you’re going in?

I know you can be better than this. And no matter what happens, know that I’ll always be grateful for the good times we’ve had together.

But I need to be honest with you: Canada and I have been talking. And well, it’s getting pretty serious.