Getting sex advice from someone who grew up in purity culture is like getting restaurant suggestions from someone who’s only ever eaten at Olive Garden. They might say something sensible, but it doesn’t mean anyone should take them seriously.
Ditto when someone from the Duggar family wants to offer you sex and marriage tips, as Jill Duggar Dillard offered this week. Most of the tips are fine enough, but the one getting all the attention is her first one about intimacy: Have sex up to four times a week (to begin with) and never masturbate.
Have sex often! You both need this time together regularly (3-4 times a week is a good start. lol). And when you may not be able to actually have intercourse for a period of time or for health issues, find other ways to have fun and be intimate. Let your spouse know that you’re [always] available. Guard against fulfilling sexual desires alone. Be open with your spouse about your desires and change things up to keep it exciting!
The first lesson is all well and good if you can swing it… though not everyone has that kind of time and energy, and not every person’s sex drive is identical, and not everyone is “always available.” If your partner isn’t feeling it, then forcing sex (in a consensual way) can just backfire. That’s why there’s a solo alternative… which Dillard opposes for no reason whatsoever. (Hey, when your mother’s claim to fame is having a child damn near every year, it’s not surprising that masturbation is taboo. Every time you touch yourself, a Duggar isn’t conceived.)
She also offers suggestions for how wives can let their husbands know “you’re up for fun whenever he is.” Couple that with the comment about making sure your partner knows you’re always “available” and you come away with the belief that a good partner never says no to intimacy. That you’d be doing something wrong by saying you’re not in the mood sometimes, even though that’s perfectly normal.
Her post is directed to women — “I’m only really speaking to wives here” — but the implication with her tips is that it’s a woman’s obligation to please her husband and not the other way around. She tells women to “serve him and meet his needs” and “Look nice for him,” but not to expect him to do the same for her. Perhaps it’s implied, but it’s never explicit.
When you have a platform as far-reaching as the Duggars, you have a responsibility to use it wisely. Telling women that their relationships would be better if they just imitated your narrow understanding of what a marriage should be is incredibly irresponsible. It assume that every good relationship follows some cookie cutter approach and ignores how plenty of couples would laugh off just about every item on this list and be perfectly fine together.
I suppose we shouldn’t expect much from a family whose members still can’t bring themselves to say “deviled eggs.”
(Screenshot via YouTube)