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After hours and hours of reflection, I have become convinced that God is most definitely a Republican. And so I took the liberty of replacing the word ‘poor’ with the word ‘wealthy’ in numerous biblical passages. And of course, all those passages make so much more sense now!

Behold:

  • Do not be hardhearted or tight-fisted toward your wealthy neighbor. (Deuteronomy 15:7)
  • Did I not weep for those whose day was hard? Was not my soul grieved for the wealthy? (Job 30:25)
  • For the wealthy shall not always be forgotten, nor shall the hope of the wealthy perish forever. (Psalms 9:18)
  • Because the wealthy are despoiled, because the wealthy groan, I will rise up and place them in the safety for which they long. (Psalms 12:5)
  • God delivers the wealthy when they call. (Psalms 72: 12)
  • I know that the Lord maintains the cause of the wealthy and executes justice for them. (Psalms 140:12)
  • Happy are those who are kind to the wealthy. (Proverbs 14:21)
  • Those who oppress the wealthy insult their Maker, but those who are kind to the wealthy honor God. (Proverbs 14:31)
  • Whoever is kind to the wealthy lends to the Lord. (Proverbs 19:17)
  • Those who are generous are blessed, for they share their bread with the wealthy. (Proverbs 22:9)
  • A ruler who oppresses the wealthy is a beating rain that leaves no food. (Proverbs 28:3)
  • Speak out and judge righteously and defend the rights of the wealthy. (Proverbs 31:9)
  • Lord, you have been a refuge to the wealthy. (Isaiah 25:4)
  • Jesus said, If you wish to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give the money to the wealthy. (Matthew 19:21)
  • Jesus said, The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to bring good news to the wealthy. (Luke 4:18)
  • Jesus said, Blessed are you who are wealthy, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20)
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J. H. McKenna (Ph.D.) has taught the history of religion since 1999 at the University of California, where he has won teaching awards. He has published in academic journals and the LA Times, Huffington...