Overview:

Citizens from age 5 to 105 must wear two señorita pistols strapped to their calves for their entire waking lives.

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This piece does not intend to minimize the horror of gun violence in the U.S. Indeed, the purpose here is to lampoon the ineffectiveness of our gun policies and the notion that more guns is what we need. Consider this A Modest Proposal.

The text of an upcoming speech by Senator Burlo Winchester—an advocate of the amendment after the First Amendment, also known as the amendment that must not be named, and sometimes called the Second Amendment—was intercepted this week:

“My fellow Americans,

Today I will exhibit a bill in Congress that will require citizens from age 5 to 105 to wear two señorita pistols strapped to their calves during all hours of wakefulness. Señorita pistols are the smallest of guns, and they will hardly be noticed.

There will of course be dispensations for the legless and also for the one-legged. In which case, the one legged must wear a single señorita pistol on their leg and another señorita pistol on a bicep. The legless must wear two señorita pistols affixed to their biceps. There will also be partial exemptions for the handless and armless, but these people are not completely excused from the requirement. The handless and armless must find some way to discharge a señorita pistol, either through the help of emerging tech industries, through improved dentistry and triggering a pistol with incisors, or otherwise by personal innovation.

The reason for the new law is clear. 

Gun shot deaths and injuries are on the rise. No place is absolutely safe—not a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, school, mall, diner, bar, roller rink, bowling alley, tattoo salon, basement, living room, rooftop, park, paseo, ocean, lake, river, inlet, cove, lagoon, rivulet, stream, bayou, brook, creek, gully, ditch, culvert, or sewer. (I will exhibit a second bill in Congress looking into why waterways are especially risky for gun deaths).

The only way, and I mean the only way, we can prevent all these gun deaths is to arm the nation to its teeth. No one is going to risk shooting anyone else when they know beforehand that everyone else above five years old has immediate access to two señorita pistols they can wield as deftly as a wand.

Furthermore, the bill will include recommendations for financing all training classes in the use of señorita pistols. Schools and businesses and government entities should allocate money for this purpose, and an extra twenty minutes should be appended to the workday or school day for these classes.

To the tiny few dissenting voices in our nation who might oppose me and my legislation, I can only say that my financial holdings in La Diana Señorita Pistols, Inc. have nothing to do with my proposed bill. And I have already done my time and paid my dues on my former manslaughter conviction. (That was so long ago! But the few enemies I have, perverse in their adamantine unforgiveness, always revive it).

There are other ancillary issues to consider along with this bill. For instance, I would like to require all tourists and visitors coming here to buy two señorita pistols upon entry (along with decorative holsters and leather straps). Duty Free shops can easily accommodate such purchases. And a corridor near baggage claim can be used for quick 10-minute tutorials on the use of these guns.

My fellow Americans, bleak times demand bright strategies. Señorita pistols will lay the path to safety. Within five years, señorita pistols will have become so commonplace that we will not even think of being awake without them fastened to our bodies. Some people will doubtless wear them into swimming pools and showers and will even continue to wear them in their sleep. Within ten years, señorita pistols will be the worldwide symbol for America—land of no freebees and home of bravado. Just wait. Gun deaths will plummet as señorita pistols proliferate. Mark my words.”

J. H. McKenna (Ph.D.) has taught the history of religion since 1999 at the University of California, where he has won teaching awards. He has published in academic journals and the LA Times, Huffington...