Overview:

Liberal Louisiana shrimp boat captains intercepted a letter written by the Southern Baptist Convention to an expelled kindergartener.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

A few days ago, the news broke that Zoey, a five-year-old girl in Louisiana, was kicked out of her Baptist kindergarten because her adoptive parents are lesbians.

Lesbianism is a bridge too far for Southern Baptists. In the hierarchy of sins, same-sex sex is way up there at the top for Baptists, worse than murder and wickeder than gun running. It’s possible that the children of Louisiana murderers and gun runners have never been kicked out of Baptist schools. Principal: “Come on in sweetie! Put your things down. I know your momma and daddy are on the chain gang for emptying shotguns upside folks’ heads, but that’s no matter to us. At least you got no gay parents!”)

Now just yesterday, a group of liberal and godless shrimp boat captains out of Delecroix, Louisiana (Crawfish Capital of the World) intercepted a letter from the Southern Baptist Convention that was written to little Zoey. Here’s the text:

Dear Zoey,

Did you know your name isn’t biblical? If it’s a version of ‘Joe’ and Joe stands for Joseph, it might be okay though. Just a little thing to ponder!

Anyway, it’s very unfortunate that the Bible Baptist Academy of DeQuincy, Louisiana kicked you out of kindergarten. But if you cast off your sinning lesbian parents, we will intervene and get you reinstated at the school. To make the offer more alluring, we want to alert you to many exciting events the school has planned for the next year:

  • An explanation of how 300,000 distinct species of beetles were gathered onto Noah’s ark
  • A lesson about how dinosaur eggs were taken onto the ark and hatched after the flood
  • A field trip to the ruined remains of Hurricane Katrina, one of God’s best storms
  • A trip to see snake handlers where you get to pet cottonmouths and copperheads
  • An appointment with a faith healer in lieu of actual medical care
  • A play dough rendering of the War of Northern Aggression (aka the Civil War)
  • A brief history of America without the pesky business of woke ‘racism’
  • A daily singing circle with the latest 19th-century hymns
  • An introduction to the alphabet without the letters l, g, b, t, or q

It’ll be a fun year! We hope you can join us, proving you publicly renounce the adoptive parents who love you more than anything in the world.

Yours in Christ,

The Southern Baptist Convention

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J. H. McKenna (Ph.D.) has taught the history of religion since 1999 at the University of California, where he has won teaching awards. He has published in academic journals and the LA Times, Huffington...