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Paradoxically, if all the gods are made up then perhaps the best choice is Glycon, who is demonstrably so.

Glycon is entirely made up

Basically, Glycon sprang into being when a cult leader named Alexander convinced his followers that a hand-puppet was the reincarnation of a Greek god of medicine. That may sound very silly, but this was 2nd-Century Rome. The cult became noteworthy in literary circles when contemporary satirist Lucian of Samosata accused Alexander of making the deity up out of whole cloth and called him a false prophet. 

Alexander managed to convince his followers that Glycon was a fertility god, and women would bring offerings to Glycon in the hope of bearing children. Our aforementioned satirist rather vehemently suggested that Alexander had other ways of encouraging conception (if you know what I mean, wink-wink).

Weird science-minded artisan followers

The most notable person (current status: unknown) to profess worship of Glycon is legendary comic book author Alan Moore. Alan Moore has done a very great many literary things of significant merit that this article is not about. Of interest though, for those who appreciate both the arts and the sciences, is that he’s rather good at expressing complicated scientific hypotheses in an accessible way.

“But time, if I understand it correctly, isn’t actually passing, except in our perception of it. In fact, as far as I understand it, every moment in the universe, from its most remote past the most distant future, is all happening at once in some permanent, eternal kind of globe of space time in which the beginning and the end of the universe are for there at the same time, along with every tiny moment in between, including all those moments which make up our lives.”

Alan Moore’s Exit Interview, p. 58 “Bill Baker Presents …”, 2007 Airwave Publishing

The man has a pretty solid grasp on the idea of time as a physical 4th dimension. You have to find that kind of impressive. As celebrity endorsements for cults go Alan Moore is certainly more interesting than anyone cringing around the Celebrity Center. 

Glycon is the snake god some people need

Glycon is great for ex-Christians who really dig all the snakes the Satanists use in their symbology, but don’t want to be confused with those ‘don’t tread on me’ assholes and us Satanists still creep you out a bit. That’s ok. 

Because Glycon is made up—and we all know it’s made up—you could, for example, in your posttheist Christian theology (I’m talking nontheistic Christianity here) choose to believe that Glycon manifests in your mythology as a vine that ‘healed itself’ into becoming an animal. Like the Serpent that manifested itself into the garden of Eden, much to God’s surprise. This manifestation of Glycon would be symbolic of evolution and make Glycon a symbol of nature and the environment.

Like Swamp Thing … as written by Alan Moore in a series that redefined the entire comic book medium in 1982. 

How to worship Glycon

You can refer to the Swamp Thing Omnibus as “The Books of Glycon” if you like. But you can forgo fancy print versions and just get your holy books on comixology.

You can read comic books to your children instead of taking them to see the Marvel Cinematic Universe thing of the month. Even the more complicated ones as you think they’re ready for them. It’s a unique artistic medium of great worth.

Observe January 5th as a day of mourning for the death of the DC Comics Vertigo imprint by telling the tale of how Swamp Thing’s girlfriend’s husband got killed and his soul became embodied in an oddly funny raven on that Netflix Series the kids like so much.

FOR INFERNAL USE ONLY Jack Matirko was raised in the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church, but it didn't take. His projects include The Left Hemispheres Podcast, The Naked Diner Podcast, and An Ongoing and...