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Welcome to part two of the continuing series Better Know a Deity in which we appeal to our Bible-believing Christian friends who no longer feel at home in their evangelical communities but aren’t ready to give up their belief in the supernatural. The series introduces other gods they could choose to worship that may better fit their personal sensibilities.

Mammon

This week’s deity to get to know better is Mammon. A great choice for the upwardly mobile, corporate ladder climbers, and movers and shakers out there, grinding away, waiting for their big break. 

The nice thing about Mammon for evangelicals leaving Christianity is that you’ve been worshiping them since the Reagan administration and you didn’t even know it. 

People soured on Mammon in the early days of civilization because worshiping them involved setting babies on fire. No one is a fan of that. 

I’ve put a lot of thought into it though, and if Mammonites want to update the money god’s image for a more civilized age, they can skip all the infant slaughter and offer a simple prayer instead. 

How to pray to a money god

A prayer to ask for Mammon’s intercession could be as simple as replacing grace before dinner with singing Janice Joplin’s ‘Mercedes Benz’. Asking for wealth and riches is kind of the whole point of Mammon.

Giving thanks to Mammon is a little more complicated. If you’re thanking Mammon, then you must’ve just come into some money. Hypothetically you could literally burn a hundred-dollar bill. 

However, thanks to the power of rhetoric, you can symbolically ‘burn $100’ by spending it on something a little naughty instead of actually destroying it. This makes Mammon the only deity that lets you champion your own success. Go on, symbolically destroy that money by getting yourself something nice. You deserve it.

Not for you? Join us next time when we explore another deity. Remember, the only difference between atheism and polytheism is anthropomorphism.

FOR INFERNAL USE ONLY Jack Matirko was raised in the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church, but it didn't take. His projects include The Left Hemispheres Podcast, The Naked Diner Podcast, and An Ongoing and...