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There’s a subtle trend in lots of smaller towns throughout America to shift the date of Halloween festivities (parties, trick or treating, etc.) to the weekend. I don’t care for it.

But Halloween Isn’t Satanic!

Yeah yeah, look, ok fine. It’s much more of a witchy thing, but there’s a lot of social circle overlaps there, and it doesn’t really matter what the Satanists and Witches think because they’re not the ones sitting on city councils making these rules in the first place. So let’s suffice to say that whatever Halloween is, it’s certainly within the realm of something I feel like I can comment on. So let me point out why I think Witches (who I have some very fundamental differences with about the nature of reality but let’s put that aside for now) should be considering the fundamental church/state issue they’re completely missing out on by not being more active in their local politics.

I mean could you imagine what would happen if a predominantly Pagan city council voted that their town would observe Christmas on the last Saturday of December instead of the 25th? They’d cry religious freedom faster than the Atheists could point out that the weather and meteorological conditions described in the Bible demand there was no way a historical Jesus was born in December in the Middle East. Who, after all, is the government to dictate to a community of Christians what day they observe the birth of their Savior … and as a corollary neither should the government dictate what nights you and your kids are going to dress up in costumes and go talk to the neighbors while everyone eats candy.

It’s Too Late for Policy Changes This Year

There’s only time for stop-gap measures. Friends and neighbors of small-town America, if you happen to be in one of these towns that have decided that Halloween is for the weekends and not a set date, be a pal and keep some candy on-hand on the holiday proper for anyone who finds it inconceivable government would intrude on such a Historical American tradition as the observance of Halloween on October 31st. We understand you’re not into it, just humor us and you’re welcome for Pumpkin Spice lattes. We’ll call it even. You never know and hey, religious liberty right? You might dress as Madison and they might dress as Hellfire Club Ben Franklin and you can have a laugh and get a cool picture for your facebook wall, wouldn’t that be neat?

Look, my point is that, whatever Halloween is in a secular sense, to some people it is a religious thing and some of us just like it because it’s an opportunity to get a little ribald and boisterous, and some people just think it’s good fun. Moving it around willy-nilly is just rude. No one makes a fuss about Christmas being on the 25th, and no one even asks for anyone to cancel the workday for Halloween; just introduce yourself to our kids so they can meet the neighbors and give them a Snickers without being a jerk about it. Don’t try and slip them mini-bibles, or Chick Tracts, or write little verses on the bag of candy corn. Please. If the little boy is wearing a dress just tell them they’re pretty (or cute if you can’t stomach that, but don’t sneer about it); and please don’t freak out if you see the occasional pentagram. We’re in your neighborhood; and we’re trying to be nice. If you came around caroling and we sprayed you with a garden hose yelling ‘Satan Says get off my lawn!’ you’d be pissed off right? Of course you would. So at least give the kid an apple and let them know you’re not a maniac. I don’t even mind if you insist on answering the door armed, just if you do have a sidearm at least dress like a detective or a cowboy or Han Solo so it fits with your costume. Show some holiday spirit. 

You can bring your kids around to ours too, even if it is on the wrong night. We’re not summoning demons, the candy isn’t hexed, and we promise that anything we feel you might think they’re too young to see, or you just don’t feel like explaining, will be out of view of the front door.

That would be great, thanks.

FOR INFERNAL USE ONLY Jack Matirko was raised in the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church, but it didn't take. His projects include The Left Hemispheres Podcast, The Naked Diner Podcast, and An Ongoing and...

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