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We’ve got meds for your head 

when the going gets tough 

We’ve got taurine in cans 

when caffeine’s not enough.

We’ve got porno and politics,

cartoons and stuff

So you don’t have to think 

when you’re down in the dumps

Now this little pill, 

you can take when you’re ill

And it makes you feel better

like that

And we’ve got plenty more 

for when you feel down

or because you’re a little upset

We’ve got powders and drinks 

when you’ve got too much stress

and you just need a little relief

Need your muscles relaxed 

‘cuz you’re too tightly wound?

Don’t worry, no problem, 

just take two of these!

We’ve got sports 

We’ve got soaps 

We’ve got wars going on 

We’ve got retro-revival 

if you miss what is gone 

We’ve got love, we’ve got hate 

We’ve got guns, we’ve got rape 

We’ve got holes in the ozone 

but we’ve got duct tape

Now I know what you’re thinking 

before you get scared

We’ve got things 

to protect you from harm

We’ve got missiles exploding 

like fourth of July

Or our armies 

to catch the bad guys

And there’s news on TV 

just to keep you informed

Of our latest 

wartime successes.

What’s that? 

You are scared by the things that go on?

Just change the channel and watch a sitcom!

We’ve got all that you want 

and it don’t cost a dime

We’ve got everything here 

If you’ll just take the time.

We’ve got sex of all kinds

If you think that’s your thing

We’ve even got cures 

when your pee starts to sting.

Come join in the fun

And you’ll see what I mean

If you want it, you got it 

We’ve got everything 

The end.

FOR INFERNAL USE ONLY Jack Matirko was raised in the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church, but it didn't take. His projects include The Left Hemispheres Podcast, The Naked Diner Podcast, and An Ongoing and...