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So occasionally some spontaneously generated comedy hits the mark, like a fine pinot noir. I thought it might be nice for a bit of light relief away from the philosophy and religion. Last time it was the hilarious review for Veet hair removal creme for men. I will include the review that went viral (it has been found useful by over 23,000 customers) for some extra light relief at the end.

Now it is the turn for Barrettine Methylated Spirits, you know, the purple turps-like alcohol for camping stoves and the like. Here is a selection of reviews:

Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml

Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml

by Barrettine

4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviewsLike(11)

Price: £4.10
In stock.Dispatched from and sold by Heritage Home and Garden.





5 star reviews:

130 of 137 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars the perfect tipple, 1 April 2011
Mr. Dm Harris “doctorcamel” (holywell, northumberland) – See all my reviews(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)
After I lost my job as a ‘pillar of society’ I quickly had to change my drinking habits. And whilst this product may not have the complexity of a classic Chateau neuf du pape, what it lacks in flavour is more than made up for in the kick it delivers. I find that it goes perfectly with roasted cat. We had a dinner party last night and this drink went down a treat. Despite most of our guests going blind, we had what can only be described as a ‘whale of a time’. Classic booze. Five stars.

65 of 70 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect for a man on the move, 27 May 2011
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

I first encountered this great product in the bar of a Bannatyne’s Gym. Having had several whiskies, the new barman was obviously a bit deaf and misunderstood the order for my usual Ballantine’s.

But what a mistake! Cheaper, sharper, fresher and bluer, it’s been my tipple of the day ever since.

As a traveller, if find Barrettine’s handy-sized 50cc bottle is the perfect size to carry around, and with the money I’ve saved, I’ve bought a smart new “Love A Horse” top to wear on my forthcoming trip to Paris. Ever-thrifty, I’ll be travelling beneath the EuroStar from St. Pancras, but I know that my Barrentine’s will keep me warm!

30 of 33 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect for any occasion, 5 May 2012
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

A delightful tipple for anyone on a budget. Good nose, hits the palate where it’s needed, and the visual after effects can be highly entertaining. Not so good for laying down, it’s best drunk while young. Ideal accompaniment to any repas de proubelle.

38 of 42 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars very highly reccomended indeed, 1 May 2012
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

I was hanging about the park drinking one night and one of the people that lives there told me I was too flash for his group, me drinking vodka.

I asked what they drank and they said B&Q Value Meths

I had a swig and sure enough its not that bad if you can keep it down, and its under the 40p per unit too!

Now a couple of months and two pairs of pants later I have found this brand is better than the value meths as it gives you normal colour urine and you don’t get the bum like a rusty jetwash like the Value stuff gives you

Unfortunately Lord Admiral Truncheon from the park who gave me the recommendation is no longer with us after he took up drinking meths and smoking to relax, then ran across the M2 on fire screaming for batman

He will be missed by us all, but not the people in the library or the Petrol station

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful, but where are the blackberries??, 14 Jun 2012
Mr. L. J. Hudson (UK) – See all my reviews(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

Despite going through three bottles of the stuff, I still cannot detect any hint of blackberries on the palate. The company should really have a chat with their in-house tasters who obviously have no clue what they’re talking about! They seem to be incapable of telling the difference in flavour between blackcurrant and blackberry.

Still, it’s a lovely, refreshing tipple on a summer evening. Best served in a chilled glass with ice. Nothing can beat the kaleidoscopic patterns made by the sun’s rays shining through this pale pink bottle of delight. The play of light on my genuine wood veneer Home Bargains patio table is something to behold.

Grab a few bottles of this fabulous drink while it’s at such a low price. You will be the talk of all your friends when you present them with a glass of Barrettine at the next barbecue or dinner party. Why not invite Pam and Paul Ross while you’re at it? I’m sure they’d love to come.

34 of 38 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Delicious, 3 May 2012
Mr. S. V. Greenslade (Wales, UK) – See all my reviews(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

A purple posy of perfection, with a very park bench, petrol and smoke-tinged nose, bold, powerful, enveloping. This is paraffin with the amplitude but not the jam, savoury, aged in plastic and a really good one to lay in if you like strong flavours and intend to be completely off your tits this summer.

17 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The single malt of meths, 9 May 2012
Charlie Daz (South of the River) – See all my reviews
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

My normal tipple of choice is an Islay single malt, but in these difficult times certain economies need to be made. Barrettine’s, or The Barrett as it is referred to by those of us in the know, is a more than reasonable substitute for the nectar of the Isles. It has a distinctive smoky nose with a lingering seaweed aftertaste. The packaging leaves something to be desired – not ideal for pride of place in the drinks cabinet – but this is a minor quibble.

Some 4 Star reviews:
273 of 280 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars A triumph…, 1 April 2011
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

From the moment you remove the cap you realise you’re in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky, with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose. Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with friends in a park. Highly recommended.

30 of 33 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars I don’t always drink Meths, but when I do I drink Barretine, 7 May 2012
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

To be tempted by this heady brew to some seems strange. So much so that even I, a fourty year veteran of Barretine’s finest seem unable to grasp at words for a suitable description that will do it justice. Indubitably it is the incandescent colour which first beguiles and draws you in, one glance and you are under its spell. Is it radiant eggplant or husky lilac? That’s for you to decide.

Once in your hands you instinctively reach for the cap, fondling it, weighing it up, and cushioning it, ready to strike out a deadly blow as a gladiator would to the neck of a vanquished foe. You begin to apply torque. Easy now, savour the moment, you won’t open a Barretine every day so make this one count. In a flash, a twist and yet more twisting is required. You wait patiently for that first sweet sound, that clickety clack of the childproof cap that overloads your eardrums as though someone has poured warm honey over and into your lobes. To dwell longer seems a waste as you hurriedly continue to turn the cap, like a modern day Aladdin you feverishly rub away at the lid until the genie is released. Then it hits you!

You feel giddy, dizzy and almost childlike as the opulent fragrance is released from its polyvinylchloride prison, you are now the liberator and soon to be vanquisher of this elixir. Your olfactory is overwhelmed as the fragrance dances over your senses like the fleetest of foot from the Russian Bolshoi.

The expectation is building as you desperately try to calm yourself before allowing your final sense to be courted by the Barretine, taste. You’ve been planning this for days, waiting for the Amazon delivery boy to pass this gauntlet to you not unlike a relay racer on the final leg and YOU ARE going to bring this baby home.

A glass would be too proper, in normal circumstances a well-used and chipped mug with its earthy glaze would be a fit but not today, oh no Barretine has seen to that. It’s clear plastic shell not only lures you by acting as a window to the liquor within but today will suffice as the perfect vessel from which to decant this particular pick-me-up down your eager gullet.

No lollygagging, the first sip will be a generous one, at least four fingers worth and so it begins. It burns a deep burn that feels as though your organs are made of bone dry kindling and this drink is pure fire. Every fibre of your being begs you to stop but deep down you know you bought a one way ticket on a one way train. The journey maybe rough to start but the destination is pure heaven. Berratine, you have me like so many others in your spell, bravo Berratine, bravo!

* This was great at cleaning my paintbrushes, did a fantastic job. Also, the missus spilled nail varnish over the kitchen counter the other day and this Meths on an old rag meant it came out a treat. I only gave it four stars as it’s cheaper at the local DIY shop and I felt the label was somewhat lacking artistically. Other than that, you can’t go wrong.

And my favourite one, a 1 star review:
50 of 59 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Buggrit! Millenium hand and shrimp., 21 Mar 2012
Crookedmouth “(Son of Olaf)” (Local) – See all my reviews(TOP 100 REVIEWER)
This review is from: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml (Misc.)

Aaargh! I tole her! I bl00ody tole her! <mutter grumble> Great big feckin’ weasel it was. Ate me bleedin’ cat! Pink? No! Not bl00dy pink! Things growing out it’s back. Need a fiver for the bus home! Oh you’re a gent, sir! <mutter mutter> OH GODS! INSECTS! BL00DY INSECTS AN’ SPIDERS CRAWLING UP ME LEGS! Biting me! Black. Black! BLACK!

For Veet Hair removal cremem for men (for our American friends, bollocks are testicles):
23,111 of 23,264 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS, 24 Jan 2012
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

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Jonathan MS Pearce

A TIPPLING PHILOSOPHER Jonathan MS Pearce is a philosopher, author, columnist, and public speaker with an interest in writing about almost anything, from skepticism to science, politics, and morality,...