One minor hurdle stood in my way of becoming the next crypto-millionaire and allowing me to tell all those ignorant people to eff off: How do I even buy a Bitcoin?

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I’m 28 with my firstborn on the way, a year from my doctorate. And oh yeah, I am also down over 50% in this godforsaken crypto space. 

Yet I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m about to hit it big.

A year and a half ago, I decided to stop being on the sidelines as Bitcoin climbed to unforeseen heights against the predictions of all those so-called experts (I’m looking at you, Peter Schiff).

With $72,000 in debt, I jumped on this opportunity from the mysterious Satoshi Nakamoto him or herself, the person or persons who invented Bitcoin (see? mysterious) to claw my way up this ever-building debt mountain to develop a new path for my newly-forming family.

However, one small hurdle stood in my way of becoming the next crypto-millionaire and by way, allowing me to tell all those ignorant people I knew in my life to fuck all the way off. 

That hurdle: How the hell do I even buy a Bitcoin?

So I did what all self-respecting people do when they don’t know the answer to a question: I went to Google on my hands and knees to be spoon-fed the damn answer.

What Google barfed out on my iPhone 11 was almost incomprehensible. What the hell is a KuCoin? Or even a KYC? You mean I have to trust these crypto companies with my social security number and bank account? I thought this was supposed to be the type of money that can’t be traced! Maybe this is a scam like those old people have been saying (looking at you again Peter Schiff).

But I’m no quitter. So, I again did what most people do when Google fails to live up to expectations—I reached out to a smarter friend to see what they think,  in this case a medical doctor in training who I know for a fact invests in stocks.

If anybody is going to know a thing about cryptocurrency it’s going to be a person who is about to be a medical doctor in three years’ time. I took my iPhone 11 and sent words through the space-time continuum to see what he had to say about Bitcoin.

I had no idea what Ethereum and Cardano were, but I knew I was going to buy some. If this about-to-be doctor is buying it, why isn’t everybody? Those damn fools. Don’t they know they are missing out on a chance to get filthy rich?!

I immediately put $200 into Bitcoin and $200 more split evenly between Ethereum and Cardano. The rush of seeing those numbers go up day in and day out is like no other.

Ever play fantasy football and watch as your picks for the week deliver, and you start to beat the hell out of your opponent? Now that’s a good feeling… but this feeling was even better. Ten times better.

I was downright hooked. I couldn’t help but immerse myself in the culture that is cryptocurrency. I followed all the crypto influencers on Twitter and YouTube. I watched their content every chance I could.

Bitcoin will Shock the World

Bitcoin pump immediate

Ethereum to 30,000 Sooner than Think!!!

All of my dreams were about crypto. I would wake up in the dead of night and feel the urge to check my phone to see if my gains got even bigger. They never were of course, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that the crypto space would take off with or without me—sleeping or wide awake.

Unluckily for our future, the wife refused to allow any more of our hard-earned money to be put into what she called “fake money.”

And then Mr. 45 himself came through, $2400 straight to the bank account. I imagine this was the rush junkies always ramble on about when they finally get to feel the prick of a syringe entering their vein and the strange cocktail they chose that fateful morning rushes through their body before inducing almost certain death.

The moment I opened our joint bank account and saw the +2400 on the ledger, I immediately took my half of the stash and devised a plan to make enough money to retire by the time I turned 35.

  1. Add $500 to Cardano
  2. Add $250 to Bitcoin
  3. Add $350 to Ethereum
  4. Add $100 to Elon’s favorite pet: Dogecoin

It was the perfect plan to get my crypto empire started. No more small time for me. I could see myself in a year’s time: all my debt paid off, buying a house with a hot tub and two FULL bathrooms. My wife and possibly two kids by my side enjoying the life I carved out of absolutely nothing.

Life would be an absolute dreamer’s paradise. “FaKe MoNeY” I will SpongeBob at my wife as I deposit $10 million into our joint account. She’ll see then.

April 2021: Bitcoin reached $58,000. My dreams were about to be realized. I just knew Altcoins would follow the big Behemoth. But then China decided to rear its ugly head and ban the most freedom loving asset/currency on the face of the planet… typical. Those damn wannabe communists.

Bitcoin lost nearly half of its gains and so did I. but I was undeterred. This was only a dip. Bitcoin is on sale I say! Only a fool of mega proportions would fail to realize this opportunity – everyone and their dead hamsters were claiming Bitcoin was going to 100 grand this halving cycle! It was bound to happen.

And you’re damn right I thought so, and was preaching to anyone that would let me proselytize them for at least 10 seconds. Did I lose some friends over my obsession? You bet I did, but who cares.

They were the fools for not investing in this poor man’s dream.

All of my proselytizing was vindicated in October that same year when one whole Bitcoin reached the epic price level of $60,000,then even hit $68,000 in November. It was well on its way to that six-figure mark. Cardano hit $3.00 a few months earlier and Ethereum hit the high price of $4,800.

My plan was playing out exactly how I’d laid it out. No selling until that $100,000 mark – then my gains would be realized. These FOOLS aren’t going to know what hit them when I start showing off.

But dreams as well as plans are often fickle whores that don’t play out how you imagine. July of 2022 saw Bitcoin drop below $20,000. With it came the crashing of Ethereum and Cardano – and my portfolio.

My dream of that family house with a hot tub and two full bathrooms came to an abrupt halt.

Not only did I have the ultimate displeasure of watching my portfolio take a rollercoaster ride to the depths of hell, but I got to read up on how my about-to-be-doctor friend made it out of the crypto-crash with more than triple of what he started with.

I can’t believe its crashing bro

“Yeah, I know, it’s crazy. I guess it’s a good thing I sold everything a month ago. I made around $30,000!! How about you?

That “hOw aBoUt you” really pissed me off. Like the type of pissed off where you start yelling at your dog even though he didn’t do a thing.

At least I learned one thing from this hell bending crash: Certainty is the killer of men. You become certain of outcomes, and then you don’t stop to plan for every possible outcome. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, certainty did.

What’s funny is the majority of people don’t know the full curiosity and the cat quote: Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

But let’s be honest: It should read, “Certainty killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.”

And what’s more satisfying than seeing your portfolio in the green?

See you at $100,000, Bitcoin… you freedom-loving succubus.

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Justin Allen Rose

Justin Allen Rose is a Political Science PhD candidate and freelance writer. He obtained his bachelor’s degree in Journalism and Media Production in 2019.