Kickin' It with the Son of Satan!

Meet the "bad boy" of End Times prophecy! "Bad" meaning good! (But also evil incarnate!)

Reading Time: 2 minutes

What’s it like to be Christianity’s greatest supervillain, plot to take over the world, and inspire dread in millions of evangelicals and conspiracy theorists before you’ve graduated from high school? We caught up with the Angel of Darkness to find out!

Hey, ladiiiiiiies… He’s single!

When you’re hanging out in your room, hucking cupcakes at the wall, and thinking up ways to be bad, you can’t help but wonder what it would be like to terrorize adults on a global scale, right? Well, here’s one “red hot” (but ice cool!) dude who’s living that dream!

Calling via his *own* cell phone from the American embassy in Israel, Nicolai Croft, 12, talks about his first love—blasphemy—his travels around the world, his worshippers, and, yes, homework!

What’s it like being infamous?

It’s really amazing how—no matter what language they speak—the pious in so many different countries have a name for me! And, like—anybody can make a violent display of affection! My human father—he’s a diplomat—was in Indonesia, and a woman there pushed her baby carriage into traffic for me! So… yeah.

Haha, what are some of your hobbies?

I like to defile things… and I like to play Among Us!

What sports do you play in your free time?

I like to play basketball and football, but my favorite is soccer because it’s easier to hurt somebody. Oh, and Skate Club!

What’s your favorite song right now?

Really anything by JoJo Siwa.

What’s the last dream you remember having?

I was sitting on a throne of blood in Las Vegas and there was an old woman in a cornfield telling that guy from Forrest Gump how he was going to have to face me. It was weird!

How do you keep up with school while you’re traveling around the world with your parents?

I have private tutors. Some of them show me things—terrible things—that even my parents don’t know about. Their minds couldn’t comprehend it!

Haha, parents just don’t understand, right? 

They’ll understand when it’s too late!

Do you have chores when you’re traveling?

I have two fathers who expect a lot from me, so like—yeah.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Doom!

What do you do to relax?

I watch a lot of sitcoms like The Believer’s Voice of VictoryThe 700 Club… Ooh, Friends!

OK, rapid-fire: The one person you’d like to meet…

Franklin Graham!

Superpower you’d most want…

The superpower I most enjoy is mind control!

Nicknames you have…

False Brother… Son of Destruction… Man of Lawlessness… Yeast of the Pharisee. I think that one’s my favorite!

Favorite Midnight Snack…

Communion wafers! Mmmmm!

Last good movie you saw…

Spider-Man: No Way Home. I laughed when Aunt May died!

Last good book you read…

The Bible, jk jk!

Person who would play you in a movie…

Gabriel Byrne!

Where can we see you next?

The UN!

Thank you for taking the time to chat with us, Nicolai, we wish you well in your future endeavors!

Lol

As a comedy writer, the details of my life are depressing at best and sketchy at worst. I have written for all of the best comedy sites and none of the bad ones, resulting in a net gain of half a ham sandwich....