Hard-Hitting Satire for the People

What happens to arcade game characters when they die? It's not the stupidest question ever asked.

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What happens to arcade game characters when they die? 

It’s not the stupidest question ever asked (that honor goes to “But what about her emails?”) and it’s well within the normal parameters of people who get paid to sit around pondering how many angels can fit on the head of a pin.

Given that theology is really little more than fan fiction, I nominate myself as such a person. I mean– I fit the criteria. I sit around talking nonsense all day. I’m self-righteous AF. I regularly watch Batman which features a young man in pantyhose. Yvonne Craig is in a handful of them too. She’s just divine.

So– What DOES happen to arcade game characters when they die?

If we allow that Mario is Catholic and Dig Dug is Zoroastrian and the driver from Pole Position is a godless heathen, is it then fair to assume that Pac-Man represents Purgatory?

Uh-huh.

Let’s look at the ironclad evidence, complete with Scriptural support as strong as any you’ll get from a priest…

Exhibit A: Ghosts

The very fact that Blinky, Pinky (the pink one), Inky, and Clyde are ghosts would indicate that they were at some point mortal beings who died and have passed onto another plane of existence. And yet, unless God really is a Star Trek character, would Heaven really be a Pac-Man maze? “Pshaw,” I imagine theologians would say. It’s clearly not Hell, either, though, given that no one is in constant agony, per the design of a perfectly loving god.

It only makes sense that the maze is Purgatory.

Therefore, it only makes sense that the maze is Purgatory. For, as we are told in Mark 14:51, “A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”

Which– totally happens in a cut-screen, so you know that I know that God knows what he was doing when he gave Toru Iwatani the knowledge to create Pac-Man instead of cure cancer.

Exhibit B: The maze is both endless AND redundant

According to approximately 2.38 billion Christians, God is alive and eternal and loves us. Unfortunately, He’s one of those fathers who’s always making you think about what you’ve done. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. God has all the time in eternity, you see. It’s no skin off His glorious nose if Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde are chased around and around ad absurdum, nor that they chase Pac-Man around ad infinitum.

Boy, God sure does love that Latin.

It all hangs together so well. As Deuteronomy 10:16 says: “Circumcise the foreskin of your heart.”

Ugh. What’s God’s deal with dick skin?

Exhibit C: We’re talking about it, so it must be true

Somewhere in an attic there’s a painting of René Magritte that becomes more literal over time.

While you’re Googling that reference, I’ll present my closing argument: People don’t talk about things that aren’t so. Why, even unicorns are right there in the Bible.

Also in the Bible is 2 Kings 18:27: “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own urine?”

…Haha, oh, that God. 

Conclusion: 

Pac-Man is Purgatory.

Checkmate, Protestant gamers.

As a comedy writer, the details of my life are depressing at best and sketchy at worst. I have written for all of the best comedy sites and none of the bad ones, resulting in a net gain of half a ham sandwich....