Putting theoretical physics to pragmatic use

88 miles per hour... straight to Planned Parenthood!

Reading Time: 3 minutes

The debate over abortion has raged for, whew, a while. I could look it up, but you aren’t here to learn things. Let’s just split the difference and say 1973. That feels right, which is all you need to rush something out to the internet. 

Since that time, we really haven’t gotten anywhere. Both sides are pretty well deadlocked over the same talking points. When you reach an impasse like this, some problem-solving experts recommend introducing a hypothetical question. This hypothetical helps subjects consider the problem from a different perspective, removed from the normal context and their ingrained positions.

Our hypothetical question was, “Would you support abortion if there was a time travel element?” To clarify: If we had the technology to travel back in time and terminate the pregnancies that led to the birth of certain people you know, would this change your position on abortion? Here is how our panel replied:

Time Travel Abortion?

"Oh. Yeah. Pfft. Yeah."
- Cheryl Marsh, 74, Pro-Life

“Oh. Yeah. Pfft. Yeah.”

– Cheryl Marsh, 74, Pro-Life

"No! It's indefensible to kill a fetus. Indefensible. I don't care who the baby becomes. Plus, I mean, if we have time travel, couldn't you just kill Hitler in his crib or something?"

- Virginia Page, 52, Pro-Life

“No! It’s indefensible to kill a fetus. Indefensible. I don’t care who the baby becomes.
Plus, I mean, if we have time travel, couldn’t you just kill Hitler in his crib or something?”

– Virginia Page, 52, Pro-Life

"I'd abort myself so fast. Take that, life I've had to live."

- Edwin Mason, 31, Green Party

“I’d abort myself so fast. Take that, life I’ve had to live!”

– Edwin Mason, 31, Green Party

"Kind of takes all the romance out of premeditated murder, though, doesn't it?"

- Joel Chan, 36, Pro-Life

“Kind of takes all the romance out of premeditated murder, though, doesn’t it?”

– Joel Chan, 36, Pro-Life

"Dude. What if you aborted the dinosaurs?"

- Marco Guitterez, 19, Undeclared

“Dude. What if you aborted the dinosaurs?”

– Marco Guitterez, 19, Undeclared

"The only problem with that plan is that no one would ever know what you'd done for them. You'd be like Abortion Batman."

- Orville Leonard, 37, Pro-Choice

“The only problem with that plan is that no one would ever know what you’d done for them. 
You’d be like Abortion Batman.”

– Orville Leonard, 37, Pro-Choice

"Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, I have one son and he's good with computers. You really only need the one. I'll take the one who's good with computers over the other two. Elroy and the other one. Phenomenal idea. Phenomenal. When can we leave? Have we left already? I can't tell."

- President Donald Trump, 75, "Pro-Life"

“Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, I have one son and he’s good with computers. You really only need the one. I’ll take the one who’s good with computers over the other two,
Elroy and the other one. Phenomenal idea. Phenomenal. When can we leave?
Have we left already? I can’t tell.”

– President Donald Trump, 75, “Pro-Life”


Well. That helped.

As a comedy writer, the details of my life are depressing at best and sketchy at worst. I have written for all of the best comedy sites and none of the bad ones, resulting in a net gain of half a ham sandwich....