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Daily, my fans bombard me with questions about my beauty routines and skincare secrets. So I’ll give you all the scoop. This rosy, dewy complexion you see? It’s not makeup. It’s seasonal allergies.

My complexion is neither the result of Glossier, Charlotte Tilbury, nor Chanel. In fact, I owe my flawless skin, glowing visage, and constant sneezing to pollen. 

Wanna know why my full eyelashes are always slightly misty? No, I don’t have a lash line lift. Instead, I’m using this sexy elixir made of tree, grass, and ragweed. 

When the pollen count is high, I see a direct increase in Instagram traffic. Thank you, ragweed, for getting me to 100K followers.

That’s why I keep all of my windows open, even on unseasonably cold days in spring. I welcome the allergens and invite them into my home. They’re like nature’s invisible makeup squad and they help me feel glamorous and itchy. 

Each morning, I stand in front of my bedroom window, grab the nearest tree branch, and deeply inhale its leaves until my nostrils are saturated in pollen. 

Photo by Yan Krukov from Pexels

I gaze at my red eyes in the mirror. Mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow are no longer necessary; allergic reactions really make my blue eyes pop. No filter required!

In my house, I banned antihistamines. I forbid any nasal sprays, allergy pills, or any similar products from touching my bathroom counter. Actually, I’ve repurposed my medicine cabinet as an allergen nest, meaning it’s full of dust, hay, and loose grass to give me a quick boost of irritation anytime my skin needs it. 

As long as you are fine with a perpetual sore throat and don’t mind looking like you’ve just cried for hours, then my beauty secret should work well for you! 

Next week, learn how to up your contouring game by applying a few little dabs of poison ivy. 

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Nat Hrvatin is a humor writer whose work stems around whatever is currently fueling her anxiety. Her work has appeared on The Broadway Beat, Slackjaw, and The Belladonna Comedy, among others. Nat studied...