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At Commercial Palooza, we know what you really want: more commercials and less programming. So, try one of our payment plans that aim to please, at ridiculously low rates! 


This option features a solid hour-long block of commercials that has been conveniently placed right before and during that climactic scene where you’re supposed to find out which character is actually the murderer. 


If you’d like to save $48/year, you’ll have to be okay with your only viewing option: Cheers. That’s it. Nothing but Cheers. The commercials will feature shrieking Bostonians who promote fictionalized beers you cannot buy. 


This option requires you to wear a shock collar, which can be activated any time you consider switching to another streaming service. Oh, and the Empire Today jingle will play through the shock collar on loop for the entire duration of the episode. 


That’s right, you can get Commercial Palooza FOR FREE! Does that sound too good to be true? It absolutely is! With this option, all you have to do is supervise a local parolee. The parolee will insist on replaying Geico commercials and will skip over the actual content. If you skip the commercials, you will pay dearly. We mean it. We will immediately change your subscription to premium, which sadly has zero commercials and costs the price of our CEO’s monthly car payment. 

We’ll pay you $1/month

As long as you’re willing to provide an alibi for your parolee, we’ll pay you! Is there a catch to this? No, it’s purely a win-win scenario. You watch Shameless, while your parolee has a free pass. How many commercials do you have to watch for this option? Absolutely none! Instead of commercials, you’ll agree to ink one of our advertiser’s logos onto your bicep. 

Nat Hrvatin is a humor writer whose work stems around whatever is currently fueling her anxiety. Her work has appeared on The Broadway Beat, Slackjaw, and The Belladonna Comedy, among others. Nat studied...