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On Saturday, February 26, 2022, I was in a motel room.

Because I was away from the wife and kiddos for a night, I decided to have some special “alone” time. With the Mrs. working from home since 2020, finding solitude for the high point of Lester Burnham’s day is tricky.

I pulled up PornHub on my phone, and immediately went to the search bar.

(Long aside: I have to search, because I’m looking for plain, boring, vanilla stuff. Unfortunately, these days the homepage of every adult website is filled with really gross stepfamily garbage.

Which makes no sense, because I thought algorithms controlled everything online.

I mean, if I click an ad on Facebook, my feed becomes filled with similar offerings from different companies.

If I linger a little too long before clicking “Skip Ads” on YouTube, the video service takes note and plays that ad more and more often for me.

If I even think about a product near my Amazon Device (I don’t even want to type her name, because I know she’s monitoring me), ads for the product show up in my browser.

Yet despite the fact that I’ve never, ever, not-even-once clicked one of those gross “stepfamily” videos on any adult-oriented website, as said, they’re everywhere.

I don’t know how this happened, other than maybe some perverted Gen-Xer is in charge of things and is playing out his childhood Brady Bunch fantasies, or maybe the CEO of all adult movies is from Alabama and got tired of hearing all the “You married your first cousin” jokes and this is his revenge on the world.

I hope that’s it, actually.

Because if people are out there actively clicking those videos and liking them?

Society is doomed.

OK, digression ended.)

So, I went to the search bar, gave it a tap, and up popped the “Top Trending Topics.” They were, in order:

  1. Ukraine
  2. Ukrainian
  3. Ukrainian girl

(OK, another aside, but this one will be quick: Goddammit, men. Girl? Knock it off. That’s creepy and wrong on so many levels. Ugh. Woman. Women. Put one of those two terms in the search engine. Jesus, I shouldn’t have to tell you that.)

I paused, and then shook my head, laughing. It was so depressing that I actively had to laugh.

Because think about it… that’s how men respond to stimulus. We watch Ukraine get metaphorically fucked on the news, and our first response is a curiosity regarding the women of that country. We want to know what they look like, we want to see them naked, and we want to watch them get literally fucked online.

We are a sad, sad lot.

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nathan timmel

Not as edgy as Clinton, but livelier than Nixon, nathan is a stand-up comedian who has performed in venues across the U.S. and for American troops serving overseas. He is also the author of the vigilante...