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How many times, when putting on chapstick, have you thought to yourself, Well, this is swell, but it doesn’t quite feel as tailored to my lip-moistening needs since I’m a Libra

At least a million times, probably! Or none. Either way, Susan Miller, who like all other astrologers is an “astrologer to the stars,” has her very own line of lip balms now, all of which cost $26 — a completely normal price for chapstick.

The line is a “collaboration’ with Fresh, and each tube has a label on it with the astrological sign of one’s choice. What Miller did, exactly, to “collaborate” is a mystery. What insight, exactly, might an astrologer have into the world of lip balm? (And not just any lip balm, mind you, but $26 “personalized” lip balm which is more expensive, somehow, than Fresh’s $18 non-zodiac lip balm.) Are the ingredients specially tailored to the movement of the planets? Is it possible that Leos are more likely to get chapped than Tauruses and require a more serious lip moisturizing regimen? Do Pisces prefer a cherry flavoring? Is there a sign that’s more prone to want that gross Dr. Pepper-flavored Lip Smackers one?

What wonders will we discover in this new line of products you didn’t know you needed because you don’t?!

TWIST! None. You will find no wonders at all. All the chapsticks are the exact same chapstick. There is no difference between any of them. They are all completely interchangeable, except for the label on the outside — which actually sounds like a rather profound statement on the pseudoscience of astrology, though it’s doubtful this was the intention.

It’s reminiscent, in fact, of the old James Randi experiment where he gave a group of people the exact same horoscope and then asked them to rate how accurate it was.

YouTube video

Of course, you could still probably get one of these as a present for people who are really into astrology and just tell them that it actually is formulated for their zodiac sign, and they would probably try it and go, “Oh wow! Yes, this is what I’ve been looking for all along! Goodbye, all non-Sagittarius-specific lip balm!” (What a semi-thrilling world of confirmation bias.)

The only bright side to this product is imagining the look on Gwyneth Paltrow‘s face when she realizes Goop didn’t think of this first.