VATICAN CITY – The signal came early Monday morning as black-and-white striped smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel chimney.
After months of intense prayer, negotiation, and taste tests, the decision had at last been made. The Vatican had chosen a new official communion wafer bakery: The Keebler Cookie Co.
“It’s a match made in Heaven,” said Keebler Sound Bite Director Marie Corso. “The Catholic Church is currently a leading force in snack distribution and transubstantiation, while Keebler’s expertise lies in making delicious treats the whole family of Christ can enjoy. As we say at Keebler, a little elfin magic goes a long way!”
Casual blasphemy is only one of the reasons some staunch Catholics are opposed to the deal.
“Has no one thought about the ethical crisis this represents?” asked Monsignor Hector Ramirez. “What’s going to happen when these wafers turn into elves in people’s mouths? I’ll tell you what: widespread priest reassignments. I’m running out of parishes!”
Based in Battle Creek, Michigan, the conquering Keebler is the second-largest cookie and cracker manufacturer in Christendom, known for brands such as Cheez-It, E.L. Fudge, and Famous Amos.
“This shouldn’t be controversial,” said Keebler CEO Mitch Matson. “We’re providing a service by baking communion wafers, not making creme-filled Jesus cookies.”
Among the wafer kinds included in the Keebler contract are Classic Communion, Lemon Laities, and Creme-Filled Christs.
“Lemon Laities restored me faith in God,” said Father Hugh Finnerty. “…Do you think they’ll put that on the box, me saying that? Maybe giving a thumbs up, like I enjoyed them?”
For the faithful, outsourcing the production of sacraments is problematic, at best. However, not everyone in the papal sphere shares the negative sentiments.
“I think people should consider the big picture,” said Erik Carlson, known Catholic. “Keebler makes those Rainbow Cookies – the ones with the candy bits? Think of all the kids you could lure to the Church with candy!”
Never one to be outdone in the cookie culture wars, at press time Nabisco announced Sunni and Shiite Oreos will explode onto the market next Ramadan.
This post was penned by Kyle Pendergraft. Kyle has a great book out called Notes from the North Pole!
Here’s what the book is about:
A satirical expose on the true nature of that Jolly Old Elf, Santa Claus.
Each year, children around the world attempt to appease him and beg him for toys… Santa laughs. Join Santa in his merriment and pick up some useless facts, repellent recipes, and distorted history along the way!
It’s the closest you want to come to waking up face-down in a snowdrift covered in elf blood on Boxing Day.