SatanCon 0

For three days the north parking lot wall on Indian School Road stood-in for the wall between church and state

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SatanCon 0 was a historic event. In my vocation, it is exceedingly rare to be a party to such an occasion.

Inside the hotel grounds and convention, everything was entirely pleasant and jovial. Many of the attendees were reuniting with good friends they hadn’t seen in almost a decade. Others had been online friends for years but were just meeting in person for the first time. 

Dare I say, SatanCon was wholesome

The protesters were gathered mostly along the northern wall of the parking lot. Which, for three consecutive days, became a physical representation of the wall between church and state. If you think water into wine is a neat trick you’ve got to be impressed by that. That wall deserves a plaque someday. 

There was a concrete stairwell that Mercy, Szandora, and Viktor had found where you could hang out on the landing and peek your head over the cutout window. The protesters had banners and big statues (which may or may not have contained some sort of magic relics like a pope’s finger or something to that effect). They prayed into bullhorns a lot. 

Sometimes there were bagpipes 

The bagpipes were actually pretty good. Mercy belted out god bless America to them while four of us sat on the landing in the stairwell in a way that almost embarrassingly resembled the goth kids in high school hanging out by the gym. But that’s a part of our culture. 

The protesters mostly lined up along the north side of the complex along Indian School Road. According to one hotel employee posting on Twitter after the event, there was even at least one instance in which the police had to intervene because the Protestant and Catholic protesters began fighting with each other over their own theological differences. 

I cannot wait to see this police report

The convention itself was something that the community had clearly needed for a while. It soon became evident that despite the protesters, we had nothing to fear. The security team did an amazing job coordinating with local law enforcement. As long as everyone remained polite and civil, which most of us are by nature, we could relax.  

Many Satanists have been through some difficult times in their lives. This is not something that is exclusive to Satanism. Many people standing outside the convention on Indian School Road have had difficult times in their lives. They’d be Satanists with or without their trauma and drama. And like everyone else, some people have a hard time feeling comfortable.

This is why we invented fancy hotels for conventions as a society. To make comfortable places people can gather that minimize their social anxiety. So the ‘prayertesters’ outside were just being extremely rude people.

There were a handful of heated moments between members here and there, like any other time you mix people and alcohol. But drinking doesn’t make the conference Satanic. All conferences at that hotel have drinking. That’s why there is a bar in it. The golfers were drinking; their escorts were drinking. Why are we the ones getting a hard time?

Everyone attending the convention clearly understood that we didn’t want any drama. We just wanted to have our little bit of time together as a community. 

SatanCon’s ‘spirit of rejection’

Weird YouTuber “Beloved Disciple ::fireheart emoji:: Ministries” had this to say after being disappointedly turned away because he lacked proof of vaccination.

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In all seriousness

I spent three days being prayed and bagpiped at for my iniquity while “good,” presumably religious golf spectators passed out drunk on the lawn at 10:19am across town.

So I know this isn’t exactly an objective report but to be honest:

  • Attendees were nice, respectful, caring, compassionate, individuals who just don’t want to be forced to conform to arbitrary norms imposed on them by the same society that told them there was something wrong with them in the first place.
  • There was nothing wrong with any of the people who were at SatanCon. Yes, some of them are very different from you. They’ve lived very different lives than you. Frankly, they’re all very different than each other. Like most groups of people. So shut the fuck up with your prayers and go help the homeless or something. We’re at a swank hotel in downtown Scottsdale. We’re not the ones hurting right now, we’re hanging out with all our friends. You dumbass.

The people who came to SatanCon 2022 are real people, with real feelings. No one has the right to try and diminish what this convention meant for them. With the help of an old Daily Show clip, I mean this from the bottom of my little black heart to anyone who had a problem with it …

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FOR INFERNAL USE ONLY Jack Matirko was raised in the Ukrainian Greek Catholic Church, but it didn't take. His projects include The Left Hemispheres Podcast, The Naked Diner Podcast, and An Ongoing and...