AnyCity, Planet Earth – The recent religious riots in a major metropolitan area has absolutely nothing to do with religion, religious leaders say. The recent explosion of violence has many causes, but it doesn’t have to do with anything any of the rioters said they were fighting about.
Religious violence is actually caused by too much secularization and too little religion.
Mayor Andrew Canard
City officials definitely agree that the riots which consisted of days of intermittent hand-to-hand fighting in the streets had nothing to do with the violent passages found in the holy texts of both sides.
Mayor of AnyCity Andrew Canard is a lifelong resident and knows that religious riots are due to video games, the music he doesn’t like or understand, overly stimulating school lunches, and Dungeons and Dragons. “We need to crack down on what’s tearing our people down and increase funding what’s lifting them up which, of course, are our faith-based institutions. What we need to do is give a lot of taxpayer money to religious schools,” he said.
Some skeptics point out that rioters specifically stated before, during, and after the civil unrest they were doing it all for their faith. Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media platforms document many true believers proudly announcing the reason why their religion demands they exact punishment on unbelievers. Those skeptics are being shouted down by politicians, community leaders, and faith leaders as being “divisive” and “hateful.”
City officials want the public to know that law enforcement is on the lookout for anyone who is infringing on the religious liberties of others by mentioning that religion may just be the cause of religious riots.
In related news, evangelical leaders declare October to be The Holy Ghost Month
*This satirical story has absolutely nothing to do with the Guardian story ‘It feels like people want to fight’: how communal unrest flared in Leicester. Or Northern Ireland. Or Palestine. Or January 6th. Or 9/11. Or the Crusades.